oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
