Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
