I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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