I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
