what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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