he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
