I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
