from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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