And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
