I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
