So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
