just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
