cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
