I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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