Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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