she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
