My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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