I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
