omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
