i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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