I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
