Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
