i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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