I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
