so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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