I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
