can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
