fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
time to smoke my breakfast
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
