someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
