We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
