I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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