i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
