if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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