You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
