can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
