More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
