Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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