i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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