either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
