Taylor Swift is so right about you.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
