Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
