NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Randomize
