My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
