so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
