Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize