Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
