I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Semen is not good for contacts.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
