I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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