He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
