I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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