Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
