I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
