my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
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I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
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What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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