I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
