I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
