Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Someone came in the potted fern
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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