Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
