I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
