I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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