Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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