Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
it was like eating out sand paper
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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